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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.