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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis