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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Now accepting applications for partners in crime. Please read all fine print:adult language and partial nudity may be required.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....