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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.