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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.