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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you