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Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...