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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face