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My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over