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I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.