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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I`ve given up on giving up.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.