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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
How long does it take to get obsessed?