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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.