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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I just called. To say. I texted you.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?