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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?