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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".