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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...