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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.