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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.