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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.