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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.