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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.