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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.