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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!