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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.