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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling