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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.