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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
why do i feel like you are reading this
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.