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Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.