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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps