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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.