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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.