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THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.