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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.