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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"