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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.