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"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Don’t believe everything you think.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.