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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.