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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
i just accidentally used AOL online, im betting the workers there are celebrating and think they have a chance in the future. lol
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?