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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.