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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
So long pants! See you Monday!
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.