Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.