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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.