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Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
You look like I need another drink
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.