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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Carfax but for people
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.