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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.