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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.