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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.