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Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
My inner child is a drunken whore
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.