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My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!