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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.