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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My internet goes out more than I do.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?