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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
:): The Bipolar smiley face