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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!