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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!