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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team