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That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.