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I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.