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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.