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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Iām not crazy just the voices are!
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.