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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."